Friday, February 5, 2016

Fort Bend Kia Half Marathon Blooper Reel


It has been a week from race day and I'm just now un-burying my head in the sand over some race day whoopsies that I inevitably did. I can't seem to make it through a race without making myself look like an imbecile, but hey some people get happy with endorpins, apparently I get goofy. And by goofy I mean embarrassing, weird, and ultimately a big klutz. So (if you're not at work and you so oblige) spike your coffee, read on, and begin to feel significantly better about yourself.

1) Cone of Shame- 

Cheezburger dog nom nom nom isolation cone of shame
When the race started it was still dark out for the first few miles. First I want to say that I'm incredibly grateful for this... it got pretty warm pretty early and I really needed those first few in the dark. However, running in the dark just feels funky to me. I rarely- if ever- run in the dark (especially by myself because #toomuchforensicfiles) so I was feeling all sorts of weird when the race started. Add that to the fact that I was trying to see my mom on the loop back, so admittedly I was quite distracted. Oooops. I hope you see where this is going. While trying desperately to not get chased by the monsters in the dark and see my mom, I totally plowed over a traffic cone. Owww. A little tumble later I was pretty much convinced that my leg was bleeding out and my time left on this earth was limited. I wouldn't allow myself to look down for the next mile because I just knew that the sight of the wound was going to be a good enough reason to slow down, so I bravely trucked on. Finally after feeling the drops of blood run down my leg, I gathered enough courage to check out the wound. I took a deep breath and looked down... nothing. There was barely a knick on my knee and the blood that I was so sure running down my leg was not the only thing non-existent missing- my pride also flew the coop.

2) Hello Stalker- 

selfie stalker creeper
Around mile 8 I had slowed down, but was still feeling great. I'm a big fan of following the beat of my own drum and by that I mean following the beat of my music. I do a lot of air drumming, some scattered fist pumping, and some sweet shoulder dancing. I was in the middle of a solo dance show when I look over and yell out (name changed for the privacy of the victim) TIMOTHY?!? The poor soul, a mere 2 feet away, turned his head and looked cautiously terrified at the psychotic lady screaming his name. All the sudden I realized that this man had no idea who I was. I spit out 'oh hi, sorry that was creepy, I've taken your cross training classes at my work gym, I love it, sorry that is creepy, shouldn't have yelled your name, you're doing a great job..... ugh i'll just be by myself over here". The trainer 'Timothy' hesitantly realized I wasn't going to murder him and even managed to say 'oh hi Shay, you're doing great.' I was so grossed out by creepiness, but to add insult to injury we basically paced each other for the rest of the 5 miles. It definitely minimized my dance moves.

3) Water Vom- 

gross vomit disgusting barf
Almost there, almost there, almost there... THERE! What an awesome relief to cross the finish line. I got my medal and was abruptly stopped by a random water table in the center of exit corral. I grabbed a water and chugged it, but didn't quite chug it correctly. The water went down the wrong tube and all the sudden it reappeared and flew from my mouth into the closest trash can. I looked up, pretty much shocked that I just vomited and as I look up I see the line of sports medicine students all there to support the racers. The last thing I wanted to do was be poked and prodded by an overzealous student, but I as I looked up trying it avoid their stares I noticed that they were all doing their best to avoid me as well. No idea what I did to gross them ou-hhh, yeah I had water vom dripping down my chin. 

4) Keys pleasssssse- 

sad crying rachel mcadams mean girls tears
This is the worst. This isn't a blooper, it is a downright curse. You see I didn't share all the boring details online, but a few weeks back one of our vehicles got broken into and we had to redo all our locks (house, work, cars) as well as all the other annoying things that it takes to get your identity back. When my mom and I carpooled together in the morning, I took her keys and stored them in my handy dandy (zipper and velcro) water belt. I curse myself at the audacity I had to make a joke about if the keys fell out, I knew some great locksmiths. Well, the keys fell out. About 5 minutes after I managed to water vom all over myself (see above) I realized the keys were NOT in their designated pocket and started to lose my sanity. There was some hyperventilating, a lot of snapping at any suggestion of hope, and more than enough pitiful 'woe is me' statements. In an effort to ABSOLUTELY NOT LET MY MOTHER KNOW THAT I LOST HER KEYS, I decided the sane thing to do would be to go immediately back onto the course and start walking it for any sign of the dearly missed keys. As I was batting back tears and reversing the miles that I had just worked so hard to rack up, Andrew heard some magical words over the loud speaker. The keys were swiftly located at lost and found and I had to immediately apologize for the smoke coming out of my ears. 

So there. All the gory details. I'm a maniac. 
-S

8 comments:

  1. Great job! So glad you found the keys... that could have been terrible!

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  2. hopefully you got all the bad stuff out of the way! i always say things come in 3s and now that your 3 have happened, nothing but good stuff now!

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  3. Um, LOL to all of these! Especially the water vom one -- at least you didn't do that during the race & waited until the end where you had a trashcan & didn't have to run another 7 miles!

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  4. Oh gosh - well the bright side is you wouldn't have thrown up if it wasn't for the water going down the wrong tube!! Yay for the keys being found!! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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  5. You are HILARIOUS! I've had one of those super awkward, stalker-ish moments before and ay yi yi- they are the worst! Have a great weekend lady! -Lisa

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  6. k first of all, YOU RAN A RACE!!! like you run races!! I can't even say I've run a race so that is awesome and second, you're hilarious!! So funny you called that guys out but I bet he didn;t even think it was weird haha but I would have felt the same way like.... wait never mind, bye!! SO glad the keys got found because that would be terrible to lose your moms keys (let alone have to tell her you lost them) so yay! :)

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  7. This is hilarious. Love all the bloopers. I definitely would freak out about the keys, and there have been many a time where I have "water puked". The cone is probably the best...totally something I would do, too. I always run into things! Congrats though, running the race is seriously such a great accomplishment!

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  8. I always freak out when I misplace my keys too! It's usually when I am running late so it's always a disaster. Glad you weren't really hurt in your little tumble!

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